All Other Ground Is Sinking Sand

Judi’s Story

My life was humming along pretty well.  At least on the outside, which in honesty is all I really cared about.  I had been working as a nurse for 25 years and was respected.  I had 2 young adult children who were in college and on a "good track.”  I had been married for 20+ years, we owned a home, and had a retirement plan in place.  I was active in my church and even a member of a community group.

Then over the course of a year, my life began to crack and crumble.  I had lived in a state of anxiety most of my life, which I had been able to contain by controlling all the situations and circumstances of my life...controlling the people around me and their feelings by being a "giver" and a "fixer" and a “caretaker.”  I was trying to make them as codependent on me as I was on them.  I had built my life on shifting sand—bearing the fruit of my efforts.  Then my life came crashing down because I hadn't lived my life on the solid foundation of the Lord as it says in Matthew 7.

Then my life came crashing down... I hadn’t lived my life on the solid foundation of the Lord.

While my grief was fresh over my mother’s passing, I became estranged from my siblings over my job as executor of her estate and the years of caregiving that I had done in her final years.  Then addiction was brought to light in my children and my marriage.  Our finances took a hit and our retirement was threatened.  I couldn't face the world with all these failures.  My husband and I separated and I isolated myself physically and emotionally.  I was depressed and ashamed.

It had become clear that the inner me and the outer me didn't come close to lining up.  I felt defective on a very personal level.  I didn't know how to make anything right.  I had come to the end of myself...  I didn't realize it at the time but this was a great place to be.  I no longer had anything to offer.  Through God’s grace, I learned that it is in my weakness that His strength shines greatest, as it says in 2 Corinthians.

By this time I had found Summit Church and a recovery program whose sole purpose was to point people to Jesus.  I found a safe place to be me and learned how to own up to my own sinfulness without being judged, just loved.  I also discovered the gift of community and accountability.  A place where we are all learning how to receive God’s love and healing and become more like Him.  I didn't realize it at first, but I had been carrying around so much hurt and fear and this burden was crushing me.  In God, I found the healing that I had looked to others to provide.

I can honestly say I am a new creation in Christ… and this version is so much better than anything I was able to create out of my own efforts!  Every day I reach the end of myself.  Now I don't run from it, but embrace God’s gentle, loving transformation.